i'm your pusher man

curtis mayfield has been tantalizing my ears as i debrief the past week's events.

i feel good. i feel like i’m heading into the unknown. i feel like regardless of what happens; i will learn a great deal from the actions and decisions, which have been made within the past week and a half.

we’ll see though. i might be fired, on the street, and/or have my great grand children barred from this industry beyond 40 years after my death…all i can say is, at least I tried.

in regards to the creative work:
the emotion of doubt and what this emotion can pose on a creative person's soul; can be a serious issue…
[yes, i'm being slightly dramatic- but back off, i'm a sensitive artist sometimes]
And this constant alter ego (in my case, the 'inner cheerleader') an artist has to possess in order to continue with their chosen vision (or the vision that has chose you) can become quite annoying.

make sense? yes, no, maybe so?

the other day, i was chillin' with a homie and the homie's homies (whom i had the pleasure of meeting that same evening.)
of course, the question came up, "so, what do you do (for a living)?" when this question comes up, the inner eye rolling is usually my instinctual response. luckily (i hope) i've become more discreet in revealing this instinctual emotion. i quickly and humbly replied, "film stuff."

later on that evening, my homie addressed my demeanor and answer to that question.
"why'd you answer my boy's question like that?" the homie asked, seriously.
"like what?" i replied, defensive.
"with hesitation. like you're not a f*cking filmmaker. that's what you do. that's what you help other people pursue. you gotta own that more, mia. like, i know i'm a writer. if i'm writing every day, then i'm a f*ckin' writer."

first of all, i don't like it when people come at me like that. even, if it is a homie. but, he was right. i do get in denial sometimes. or rather, (sometimes) i get self-conscious about 'telling people what i do' because in la every other person claims that they're a filmmaker.

the homie replied, "so what? there are a million people who claim it or attempt it- and you see their shit and it's crap. or they have nothing to show,really. but you're one of very few who can claim it and show it and you have a posse to back you up."

hmmm...funny how it's so easy to give other people motivating/encouraging words...but sometimes, it can be hard to accept this same advice reciprocated back to you.

gracias holmes-- you have become my pusher, man.